It’s a bird… it’s a plane…

I’m sitting here befuddled as to why in the world have I never come across a superhero in Northwestern PA (or as they like to call themselves: “Reals”)? Where is Meth Man? Speeding Patrol Woman? The Amish Avenger? The Deer Tick?

Because apparently, according to the newly created, professional looking, and sadly serious World Superhero Registry, there are over 200 superheroes roaming the United States as I write this. Now, before you go slipping into your tights and running outside to help all the old ladies in need cross the street, know that there are some stipulations before you will be considered for the registry and you should really read over the Superhero Philosophy too.

As far as being considered for the registry:

Costume: The purpose of a costume is not simply to protect the identity of the Real-Life Superhero (RLSH) from criminals that might seek revenge, but to make a statement both to the evil-doers that you fight against and to the world at large: you are not simply someone who happened upon crime or injustice and made an impulsive decision to intervene. You have vowed to actively fight for the betterment of humankind and to serve as an example for others. The costume of a RLSH must be of sufficient quality to show some care went into it’s creation.

Heroic Deeds: The purpose behind becoming a RLSH must be for the benefit of mankind, and the Heroic Deeds must be of sufficient degree as to exceed normal everyday behavior. If proof of Heroic Deeds is not present, a listing may still be added to the Registry, however, it may be marked as “inactive” or “unconfirmed” in the description.

Personal Motivation: A RLSH cannot be a paid representative of an organization, not even a benevolent one. The motivation to become a RLSH must come from the individual: not an advertising gimmick or a public relations campaign.

This isn’t roleplay or cosplay either. These folks mean business. They are going out on the dangerous streets with the cover of darkness attempting to help the world by fighting crime (or occasionally changing flat tires). In other words, these people are completely bonkers – or maybe, just maybe they are humanity’s only hope.

The best part is that most of these noble good-doers have their own MySpaces, complete with photos, message statements, and zodiac signs. Take a look at Kansas City, Kansas based superhero Nyx:

I am Nyx, masked protector of the night. Formerly Hellcat, Felinity, and Sphynx (I had a penchant for namechanges). I enjoy the certain amount of anonymity MySpace awards it’s users, and I intend to use it to my advantage. Like the night, I cannot be proven or disproven to certain degrees; and also much like the night, when morning comes there will be no trace of me. I patrol in the Midwest. It’s impossible to define but I feel a certain degree of loyalty to every being that inhabits this earth, a compulsion to watch -to help – to protect. I respect all RLSH of every sort, it’s not an easy life we’ve chosen but we’ve chosen it nonetheless.

Not an easy life being mocked on the streets, I am sure. One of my favorite stories comes from the Los Angeles-based Mr. Invisible, whose run as a superhero did not last very long:

For Mr Invisible, the first and last blow to his burgeoning career as a superhero was an unexpected punch that flattened his nose.

“After months of designing my costume, getting my street moves just right, it was my first week out as a Real Life Superhero – and probably my last. This tiny, tiny girl did not like me trying to calm down her screaming boyfriend. She blindsided me, I’m still bruised. It’s dangerous out there,” said the deflated would-be crime fighter last week.

Mr Invisible is cheered that at least his grey one-piece “invisibility suit” works, proven when a drunk urinated on him in an alley. But he is weary of lurking in dark, down-town Los Angeles after dark.

Maybe I’m just being naive, but it is dangerous, which is why prancing around in a mask and tights in LA interfering with angry bickering couples is probably not the brightest of ideas. Leave that to the relationship counselors who have the superpower of higher education.

I could write a little excerpt on every single one of these superheroes, but I won’t… so you’ll just have to check some of them out yourself. I’m just curious as to their motivation here, because it certainly will not get somebody laid.

Granted, I commend these folks for their noble efforts, but really, the majority of these people are prime psychological case studies – and I don’t say that to be hurtful, I’m just not so sure if I am supposed to feel sad or amused here. Please, Agent Zero, Angle Grinder Man, or any other RLSH out there, feel free to chime in below in the comments and enlighten me as to why you are not completely delusional.

RLSH Wikipedia Page
Rolling Stone Article
Heroes Network (like the Justice League. Except no super powers)
Superheroes Anonymous

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